The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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