my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
