I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
