No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
