Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
