The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
