I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
