Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
