Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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