another moral hangover. fuck.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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