i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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