Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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