She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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