Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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