you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
