sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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