Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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