I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
