I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
