Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
