What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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