We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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