ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
