he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
