I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
