took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
