The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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