Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize