Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
