I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
