That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
