I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
