Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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