What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
