I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
