He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize