So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
