We won't sleep together?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
