matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
