Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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