turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
as a side note pls kill me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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