so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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