Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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