Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize