Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
