So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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