the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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