he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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