Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
