My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
