You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
