One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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