i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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