I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
