shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
