let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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