I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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