I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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