We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
